Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Dear Diary,

         Today I heard someone say we are all destined for greatness. This exact thing has been on my mind for months. Well for my whole life actually but in a new way these last few months. My whole life I felt I was created for greatness! I've always felt God had a special calling/purpose/plan for me. It was always thrilling to wonder what he had in store for my life! I had crazy big dreams/plans/purposes for myself and just couldn't wait for the big adventure God was orchestrating! That excitement turned to frustration as I went from my early 20's to my mid 30's. 

'God, when are going to use me? I've been so patient (not really). I just want to do something great! I want to make a difference!' Leave a mark!' 

I impatiently prayed this prayer for a long time. Over the last few months God has gently been prompting me to investigate my motives. 

'Why do you want to do something great? What exactly is it that you want to do? Who do you want to reach?' 

I love how God is so tender when he asks these questions and always allows me the time and grace to think on the questions at hand. It wasn't overnight but I came to a huge realization. An ugly one. About myself. Ugh! It is so painful to uproot your own ugliness. Why did I want to do something great? And what exactly does it mean to do something great? For all these years of my life I thought I wanted to be great for the sake of helping others but the actual truth was I wanted to be great for me. If I did something grand *I* would be seen. If I was on a stage with a microphone *I* would be applauded. I would be validated. I would be successful. I would be worthy. And loved. I, I, I, I, I ...... 

SO. Gross. 

God heard my genuine cry for forgiveness and as always graciously forgave. But he didn't stop there. He never does. He loves me too much to stop there. He has started speaking to me almost constantly. Opening my eyes to so many things. At times stopping me dead in my tracks to see what is happening around me. He has taken me to a new level of friendship and with that deeper relationship comes more understanding. There is nothing more beautiful or more satisfying than discovering more of God. 

What God is helping me see is that he *does* have great purposes for me. But what does greatness look like? Does it have to mean being a public figure in some way? Does it mean being known by many? Standing on a large stage with bright lights? Not necessarily. That was my impression and my desire for so long that I was missing the other kind of greatness. The kind that can be boring. Hard. Lonely. Unnoticed. The kind no-one really wants lol. But God asked me if I was willing to be great in the way he had purposed for me. I thought it would be harder to say yes but when God tells you this is the plan you trust and you go. Or in my case stay. Ha! Serving people in small ways is the greatness prepared for me (at least for now). Making meals for others in need, stopping to pray for one of our employees, waiting for the kids to get off of the bus so they arrive home to a hug, saying hi to someone new at church and inviting them to dinner, saying hi to the stranger at Walmart (probably not inviting them to dinner), taking time to pray for my children's teachers because lets face it our teachers have been given a huge responsibility and *need* those prayers, I could continue but I won't. 

I am so thankful to finally understand and know the calling on my life and for the opportunity to live it out (with a happy heart). There is so much joy in knowing that God is using *me* for these assignments. There is also power in knowing this is my role. Not *my* power but knowing I have the ability to open myself to *his* power and *his* spirit. When I allow that....well that's when all the little tasks turn into greatness.


Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Dear Diary,                                           

     I'm so tired of the noise. The constant ringing, dinging, buzzing coming through my phone. Each ring or ding notifying me that there is another need. Or a comment. A question. A new picture posted. I am over connected. I love people so much! I love interacting, sharing, responding, helping, engaging. It feels wrong to disconnect myself from everyone but it feels so needed. 

     Tonight I cleared my phone of anything and everything except 'the phone.' I want to go back to simple. Not that long ago there were days when I would sit in Andy and I's first apartment, pull up the kitchen chair to our phone (that was attached to the wall) and talk to the friend on the other end. I had no cell phone, no computer, no email. I honestly cannot remember how I functioned. It was not that long ago but it seems like ages. How did times change so drastically and so quickly? 

     I'm scared to disconnected. My days will look drastically different without the continual interruptions. I'm going to need to completely retrain my brain. I'm sure I will pick up my little pink phone often to check for messages, snapchats, voxers, repins. Only to remember all is quiet again. I hope I can do this. I need to do this. My soul has been craving it for a long time. 

     I'm craving time to think my own thoughts. I'm craving the continual conversations I have with Jesus when I'm not so 'busy.' I'm craving the joy I get from watching Oliver giggle when he dumps the bucket of water over his head in the bath tub. I'm craving the feeling that creeps into my heart when I water my flowers. I'm craving the people I love the most. They so often take the back burner to whatever notification comes across my phone. 

   Here's to change. A fresh start. A quiet day. I feel relieved already. Scared. But relieved.